Why Your Anxiety Won't Go Away (And What Actually Works)

Photo by MART PRODUCTION: https://www.pexels.com/photo/close-up-photo-of-a-helpless-woman-trapped-in-a-spider-web-8458813/

You've tried the breathing exercises. You've repeated the affirmations. You've downloaded the meditation apps and read the self-help books that promise you can "think your way out" of anxiety.

And yet, here you are—still anxious.

Not because you're doing it wrong. Not because you're not trying hard enough. But because most anxiety advice fundamentally misunderstands what anxiety actually is.

I'm Dr. Melanie du Preez, a clinical psychologist with 26+ years of experience working with anxiety disorders. After decades of watching people struggle with surface-level solutions, I've learned this: your anxiety isn't a mindset problem. It's a nervous system problem.

Let me explain what that means—and more importantly, what actually works.

Why "Just Calm Down" Doesn't Work

When someone tells you to "just relax" or "think positive thoughts," they're asking your prefrontal cortex (the thinking part of your brain) to override your amygdala (the survival part of your brain).

Here's the problem: your amygdala doesn't care about logic.

Your amygdala's job is to keep you alive. When it detects a threat—real or perceived—it triggers your nervous system into fight, flight, or freeze mode. This happens automatically, below the level of conscious thought.

So when you're having a panic attack and someone says "just breathe," your thinking brain might understand that advice. But your amygdala has already flooded your system with cortisol and adrenaline. It's already convinced you're in danger.

Telling yourself to calm down is like trying to stop a fire alarm by thinking positive thoughts about the building. The alarm doesn't care what you think. It's responding to what it perceives as a threat.

This is why anxiety feels so frustrating. You know logically that you're safe. You know your thoughts are irrational. But your body doesn't believe you.

The Three Types of Anxiety Most People Don't Understand

Not all anxiety is the same. Understanding which type you're dealing with changes everything about how you address it.

1. Situational Anxiety (Normal and Useful)

This is anxiety that shows up in response to actual stressors—job interviews, medical tests, public speaking. Your nervous system is doing its job: keeping you alert and prepared.

This anxiety goes away when the situation resolves. It's proportional to the actual threat. It doesn't need "fixing"—it needs acknowledgment and coping strategies for specific situations.

2. Chronic Anxiety (Nervous System Dysregulation)

This is anxiety that shows up even when nothing is "wrong." You wake up anxious. You go to bed anxious. Your baseline state is tension and hypervigilance.

This isn't about specific triggers. Your nervous system has gotten stuck in a state of perceived threat. It's like your internal alarm system has a faulty wire—it keeps going off even when there's no fire.

This is the anxiety that doesn't respond to positive thinking. Because the problem isn't your thoughts—it's your nervous system's baseline setting.

3. Trauma-Based Anxiety (Survival Patterns)

This is anxiety rooted in past experiences where you actually weren't safe. Your nervous system learned that the world is dangerous, and it's still operating from that belief.

Even though you're objectively safe now, your body remembers what it felt like not to be. This creates anxiety that feels disproportionate to current circumstances—because it's not really about what's happening now. It's about what happened then.

Most people are dealing with Type 2 or Type 3 anxiety (or both). And most anxiety advice is designed for Type 1.

This is why nothing works.

What Actually Works: Addressing the Nervous System

If anxiety is a nervous system problem, then the solution has to address your nervous system—not just your thoughts.

Here's what that looks like in practice:

1. Nervous System Regulation (Not Just Relaxation)

Your goal isn't to be "calm" all the time. Your goal is to have a nervous system that can move flexibly between states—activation when you need it, rest when you're safe.

This means:

• Teaching your body what safety actually feels like (not just thinking about it)

• Building capacity to tolerate discomfort without panicking

• Learning to discharge stress from your system, not just suppress it

Practical tools: Somatic experiencing, vagal toning exercises, body-based practices that don't require "thinking your way out" of anxiety.

2. Trauma Work (When Needed)

If your anxiety is rooted in past experiences, you need approaches that address trauma—not just anxiety symptoms.

This includes:

• EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)

• BWRT (BrainWorking Recursive Therapy)

• Somatic trauma work

• Parts work (IFS, ego state therapy)

These approaches work with your nervous system directly, not through cognitive reframing alone.

3. Understanding Your Triggers (The Real Ones)

Most people think their triggers are situations: social events, work stress, certain people.

But often the real trigger is a nervous system state. You're triggered by feeling out of control, or by sensations that remind your body of past danger, or by situations that activate old survival patterns.

Understanding this changes everything. Instead of trying to avoid situations, you work with the underlying nervous system response.

4. Building Actual Safety (Not Just Feeling Safe)

Your nervous system needs evidence that you're safe—not just reassurance.

This means:

• Setting boundaries (so you're not constantly in situations that activate your threat response)

• Building predictability and routine (so your nervous system doesn't have to be hypervigilant)

• Addressing actual life stressors (because sometimes your anxiety is telling you something is genuinely wrong)

You can't think your way into feeling safe if your life circumstances are genuinely unsafe. Sometimes anxiety is information.

Why Positive Thinking Actually Makes Anxiety Worse

Here's something most people don't know: forcing positive thoughts when you're anxious can actually increase your anxiety.

Why? Because your nervous system registers the mismatch between what you're telling yourself ("Everything is fine!") and what your body is experiencing ("I feel like I'm dying").

This mismatch creates more internal conflict, which activates more anxiety. You end up anxious about being anxious—and then guilty for not being able to "just think positive."

This is why I don't do toxic positivity in my work. Healing isn't about pretending everything is fine. It's about learning to be with what is, and giving your nervous system what it actually needs.

What This Looks Like in Practice

Let me give you a real example (details changed for privacy).

One of my clients—we'll call her Sarah—came to me after years of trying everything for her anxiety. She'd done CBT, tried multiple medications, meditated daily, and journaled religiously.

Nothing worked. She still woke up with her heart racing. Still couldn't shake the feeling that something terrible was about to happen.

When we started working together, we didn't focus on her thoughts. We focused on her nervous system.

We discovered that Sarah's anxiety spiked whenever she felt trapped—stuck in traffic, in long meetings, in social situations she couldn't easily leave. This wasn't about the situations themselves. It was about her nervous system's association between "can't escape" and "not safe."

Sarah grew up with a volatile parent. As a child, she never knew when things would explode. Her survival strategy was hypervigilance—always scanning for danger, always ready to escape.

Forty years later, her nervous system was still operating from that same pattern.

We worked on:

• Building her capacity to tolerate the sensation of being "stuck" without panic

• Creating actual escape plans (so her nervous system had evidence she wasn't trapped)

• Processing the childhood experiences that created the pattern

• Teaching her nervous system that being unable to leave doesn't mean she's in danger

Three months later, Sarah could sit in traffic without a panic attack. She could stay in meetings without plotting her exit. She could be at a party without constantly calculating how quickly she could leave.

Not because she changed her thoughts. But because we changed her nervous system's baseline.

The Truth About Anxiety Recovery

Here's what I tell every client on day one: healing is hard and takes longer than you want.

There's no quick fix. No magic affirmation. No single therapy session that suddenly makes everything better.

But here's what is possible:

• Understanding why your anxiety won't go away (so you stop blaming yourself)

• Learning to work with your nervous system instead of against it

• Addressing the root causes instead of just managing symptoms

• Building actual resilience (not just pretending you're fine)

Recovery doesn't mean you never feel anxious. It means your nervous system becomes more flexible. You can handle discomfort without collapsing into panic. You can feel fear without it running your life.

That's the goal. Not "never anxious again" but "anxiety doesn't control me anymore."

Where to Start

If you've been trying to think your way out of anxiety and it's not working, it's time for a different approach.

Start here:

1. Stop fighting your anxiety

Your anxiety is your nervous system trying to protect you. Fighting it creates more internal conflict. Instead, get curious: What is my body trying to tell me? What does it need?

2. Work with someone who understands nervous system regulation

Not all therapists or coaches are trained in this. Look for providers with trauma-informed training, somatic approaches, or specialized anxiety treatment (BWRT, EMDR, DBT, ACT).

3. Build safety into your life (for real)

Not just feeling safe, but creating actual conditions that allow your nervous system to relax. Boundaries, routine, support systems, addressing real stressors.

4. Give it time

Your nervous system didn't get dysregulated overnight. It won't regulate overnight either. This is a process, not a light switch.

Final Thoughts

If you've been struggling with anxiety for years, I want you to know: it's not your fault that nothing has worked so far.

You haven't failed. You've just been given solutions that don't address the actual problem.

Your anxiety isn't a character flaw. It's not a lack of willpower. It's not because you're not trying hard enough.

It's a nervous system that learned to be afraid, and now needs help learning to feel safe again.

That's difficult work. It takes time. But it's possible.

And you don't have to do it alone.

Ready to address your anxiety at the root level?

I'm Dr. Melanie du Preez, a clinical psychologist and Life Transformation Coach specializing in anxiety, trauma, and nervous system regulation. I work with people globally via Zoom using evidence-based approaches that address the root causes of anxiety—not just the symptoms.

Your first full coaching session is completely free. No sales pitch, no obligation—just real coaching so you can experience how nervous system-focused work actually feels.

Book your free session: https://calendly.com/melanie-dupreez72/free-coaching-session

Or download my free guide: "5 Nervous System Regulation Techniques That Actually Work for Anxiety"https://drmel1.podia.com/5-nervous-system-regulation-techniques

References & Further Reading

This article is based on clinical experience and evidence-based research in neuroscience, trauma therapy, and anxiety treatment. Below are key sources that inform the nervous system approach to anxiety discussed in this post.

Nervous System & Polyvagal Theory

Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-regulation. W.W. Norton & Company.

Dana, D. (2018). The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy: Engaging the Rhythm of Regulation. W.W. Norton & Company.

Porges, S. W. (2017). The pocket guide to the polyvagal theory: The transformative power of feeling safe. Norton Series on Interpersonal Neurobiology.

Trauma & Anxiety Connection

Van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Penguin Books.

Levine, P. A. (2010). In an Unspoken Voice: How the Body Releases Trauma and Restores Goodness. North Atlantic Books.

Ogden, P., Minton, K., & Pain, C. (2006). Trauma and the Body: A Sensorimotor Approach to Psychotherapy. W.W. Norton & Company.

Anxiety Disorders & Treatment

Craske, M. G., & Stein, M. B. (2016). Anxiety. The Lancet, 388(10063), 3048-3059.

Hofmann, S. G., Asnaani, A., Vonk, I. J., Sawyer, A. T., & Fang, A. (2012). The efficacy of cognitive behavioral therapy: A review of meta-analyses. Cognitive Therapy and Research, 36(5), 427-440.

Anxiety and Depression Association of America (ADAA). (2023). Facts & Statistics. https://adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/facts-statistics

Nervous System Regulation Techniques

Germer, C. K., & Neff, K. D. (2013). Self-compassion in clinical practice. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 69(8), 856-867.

Kabat-Zinn, J. (2013). Full Catastrophe Living: Using the Wisdom of Your Body and Mind to Face Stress, Pain, and Illness. Bantam Books.

Streeter, C. C., Gerbarg, P. L., Saper, R. B., Ciraulo, D. A., & Brown, R. P. (2012). Effects of yoga on the autonomic nervous system, gamma-aminobutyric-acid, and allostasis in epilepsy, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder. Medical Hypotheses, 78(5), 571-579.

EMDR & Bilateral Stimulation

Shapiro, F. (2018). Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) Therapy: Basic Principles, Protocols, and Procedures (3rd ed.). Guilford Press.

Sack, M., Lempa, W., Steinmetz, A., Lamprecht, F., & Hofmann, A. (2008). Alterations in autonomic tone during trauma exposure using eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR)—Results of a preliminary investigation. Journal of Anxiety Disorders, 22(7), 1264-1271.

Vagus Nerve & Cold Water Exposure

Buijze, G. A., Sierevelt, I. N., van der Heijden, B. C., Dijkgraaf, M. G., & Frings-Dresen, M. H. (2016). The effect of cold showering on health and work: A randomized controlled trial. PLOS ONE, 11(9), e0161749.

Gerritsen, R. J., & Band, G. P. (2018). Breath of life: The respiratory vagal stimulation model of contemplative activity. Frontiers in Human Neuroscience, 12, 397.

Breathing & Parasympathetic Activation

Brown, R. P., & Gerbarg, P. L. (2009). Yoga breathing, meditation, and longevity. Annals of the New York Academy of Sciences, 1172(1), 54-62.

Russo, M. A., Santarelli, D. M., & O'Rourke, D. (2017). The physiological effects of slow breathing in the healthy human. Breathe, 13(4), 298-309.

Zaccaro, A., Piarulli, A., Laurino, M., Garbella, E., Menicucci, D., Neri, B., & Gemignani, A. (2018). How breath-control can change your life: A systematic review on psycho-physiological correlates of slow breathing. Frontiers in Human Neuroscience, 12, 353.

Progressive Muscle Relaxation

Toussaint, L., Nguyen, Q. A., Roettger, C., Dixon, K., Offenbächer, M., Kohls, N., Hirsch, J., & Sirois, F. (2021). Effectiveness of progressive muscle relaxation, deep breathing, and guided imagery in promoting psychological and physiological states of relaxation. Evidence-Based Complementary and Alternative Medicine, 2021, 5924040.

McCallie, M. S., Blum, C. M., & Hood, C. J. (2006). Progressive muscle relaxation. Journal of Human Behavior in the Social Environment, 13(3), 51-66.

Clinical Guidelines

National Institute for Health and Care Excellence (NICE). (2020). Generalised anxiety disorder and panic disorder in adults: Management. Clinical guideline [CG113].

American Psychological Association. (2017). Clinical Practice Guideline for the Treatment of Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) in Adults. https://www.apa.org/ptsd-guideline

Neuroscience of Anxiety

LeDoux, J. E. (2015). Anxious: Using the Brain to Understand and Treat Fear and Anxiety. Viking.

Ressler, K. J., & Mayberg, H. S. (2007). Targeting abnormal neural circuits in mood and anxiety disorders: From the laboratory to the clinic. Nature Neuroscience, 10(9), 1116-1124.

Note on Clinical Application

The information in this article is based on current research and clinical practice guidelines. However, it is intended for educational purposes and should not replace professional medical or mental health advice. If you are experiencing severe or persistent anxiety, please consult with a qualified mental health professional.

The techniques described in this article are evidence-based approaches used in clinical practice. Individual results may vary, and these techniques work best when practiced consistently over time, ideally with professional guidance.

About Evidence-Based Practice

All therapeutic approaches discussed in this article are recognized by major professional organizations including the American Psychological Association (APA), the Anxiety and Depression Association of America (ADAA), and the International Society for Traumatic Stress Studies (ISTSS).

The nervous system approach to anxiety integrates findings from:

• Polyvagal Theory (Dr. Stephen Porges)

• Somatic Experiencing (Dr. Peter Levine)

• Trauma research (Dr. Bessel van der Kolk)

• Clinical neuroscience

• Evidence-based psychotherapy modalities (CBT, DBT, ACT, EMDR)